I’m sitting in class right now, my anthro of gender class, watching a movie. But as I sit here and take notes my mind is racing. I need to squeeze in a phone call between now and my next meeting, emails that have to be sent, and meetings that have to be prepped for. They say I am so focused. They say “Oh I wish I could be as focused and ambitious as you when I was young.” But how can I be focused when my mind is racing? There’s so much I want to do leading to the same big picture but there’s so many ways to do it. So many ways to get there. Right now, I feel like everything is ‘coming soon’ and I hate waiting. But through it all I somehow remain this icon of inspiration for my peers and anyone else who comes across my story, my myspace, my website or my blog. I’ve been in the game, diligently on the path of my career since I was 16. Now 3 years later more people know me, I’ve done a lot but still it feels like not enough. Something is missing. Something to make it all come together. It’s said luck is when opportunity meets preparation. I’ve been preparing my whole life, I have had countless opportunities but IT, whatever IT is still hasn’t happened yet.

So yes. I am focused but my mind still races.

It’s hard to go against the main stream. I notice how different I am when I am away at school. Sometimes my school is dubbed a “corporate breeding ground” most of the kids out here are just complacent. They want people to tell them what to do, to work for someone else, and just be “normal”. So many people are just floating along but I am swimming against the current. I’m always working, planning, and executing. But then I get side tracked by the main stream sometimes, especially being away at school. Being away from the city and the people that inspire me.

It’s hard going against the main stream, but it’s even harder for me to not work towards something or to not be proactive.

They say its lonely at the top. But it’s also lonely on the way to the top when you are surrounded by people who don’t understand you.

I haven’t read every wordsfrom on here but the one’s I read have definitely touched a chord especially with the emerging theme of doubt and uncertainty. Most of us who wrote something on here are swimming against the current and it’s easy to question your direction when everyone else is going the other way. We don’t know if all this (what ever THIS is) will pay off. Doubt is everyone’s worst enemy.

This past year I learned not to doubt, it doesn’t help you or anyone else. Its easy to see the glass as half empty. Its hard to see what’s not there. In fact people who see things that aren’t there are typically labeled as crazy. Its actually more difficult to see the fullness within something that seems empty. The term make something out of nothing sounds nice, but how many people can really do that? How many can literally make people see something within nothingness?

Some pretty random, and unexplainable things have happened to me throughout my life and I always wonder why. I believe in self-fulfilling prophecies. If you want to be something and have that in your head things will come to you, and certain people will come to you to make that a reality. When you see it, it gives other people permission to see it.

So when people ask where I see myself at the peak of my career I have a distinct image. Clear as day. But the path to getting there isn’t always so clear. I go through my highs and lows just as an other overly ambitious person can attest to. But somehow there’s always that little something that comes along to say keep going. If you’re putting yourself out there and trying to build something you might just know what I am talking about. So, just keep swimming, against the current, against the mainstream. Never float.



  1. 1 richard brea December 11, 2008 at 2:59 am

    i loved ur words from?

    ps didnt charles hamilton mention u in brooklyn girls?

  2. 2 Antonio Copeland December 11, 2008 at 3:09 am

    Success is in comparison to love its defined in the category “Each its own”. There isn’t anything wrong if you success pushes you mainstream just don’t be sucked into the “flashing lights” and become a monster of stardom. I have faith in your success.

  3. 3 Phella December 11, 2008 at 7:24 pm

    I’m glad I read this WordsFrom the whole way through.Very on time for me because I just wrote a blog yesterday about some of the same issues you raised. Keep doing what you are doing.

  4. 4 Print of Good Day Good Night December 21, 2008 at 3:12 pm

    I really enjoyed ya post. Dope concept. I understand what you mean when you say its lonely on the way to the top. In my field, I loose and gain people in my life almost on a consistent basis. The outside world will never understand the commitment it takes to make this happen and the inside world are filled will jerks, phonies, whores, sluts, snakes and other fucked up individuals that makes it very hard to sep. the good from the bad. I role with one person who seems true to me only because I’ve known em from young. So Ms. Nesha, I get you!! Keep writing sweety. Shits Tough!!!!


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