WORDS FROM NAS- CHOICE DESIRE EMOTION ABILITY

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Tonight I find myself staring at my blank computer screen with distant sounds of Ella Fitzgerald giving an almost pungent scent to thoughts that are swimming inside my head. As if afraid of reveling to much of myself to myself, I am terribly hesitant about adding my thoughts to Words from. I love my little brother and I am going to complete the task at hand,as honestly as possible. Not only because I love him, believe in him and his movement but my own guilt about my flakiness in doing things with/for him has persuaded me to be more determined than ever. So since my love for him is what initially got me started,Im going to go with it and in fact write about love. First off let me say that I’m not sure of what love is or how to define it? Never being one to try and define things I feel myself surprisingly up for the challenge. Struggling with putting my thoughts into words I keep repeating to myself the same question over and over. What is love? I giggle as I sit here asking my self this question and am reminded of the lyrics to the Deee-lite song by the same title ” What Is Love?” Sitting here in my warmest robe, that is undoubtably my favorite. I start to think about why it’s my favorite. I treasure it for the perfect eighteen ply cashmere which color is almost heather grey but not quite. The fact that it’s never to thick to be hot or to thin to be cold. I truly adore the way that for some reason it always fits and feels just right. Im marbled at how this hybrid of grey is somehow always complimentary to my changing complexion. The navy blue trimming,the classic cut and androgynous fit that speaks volumes of my personality! It seems that one can seem to escape the word but perhaps not the feeling. Dare I say I love it? I do ! With no hesitation or risk of being vulnerable or rejected. I love this robe absolutely ! I consistently grab for it out of the few (four or five)choice robes inside my wardrobe. This is actually my third of the exact color style and make from the parent company. What have I discovered? Maybe the reasons I have for loving my robe follow the same basis that I have for everything I love.

As I review my declarations for loving my robe. It’s occurring to me that this is some form of subconscious formula I must use in my choice,need and or desire of my many loves be it people, places, or things. Can declaring my reasons for loving my robe really lead to my own personal definition of the word love? Could I be on to something? This road is feeling pretty yellow and that worked for Dorothy, lets continue shall we? So it seems I love my robe for its ability to no matter how I’ve changed physically or mentally always provide the same comfort,feel and fit. I can wear other robes and when I return to it , the infatuation with it is still there. I always tend to like how I feel in it. Okay, so we haven’t exactly meet the wizard but the robe is a good start.

After what was expected to be a brief pause from writing but in actuality turned into a much too extended break. I took a call from my boyfriend. My inspiration,and current example of love be it good, bad but never ugly. Unfortunately that yellow brick road isn’t looking so grand. As I remember it wasn’t all good for Dorothy anyway. I guess this is why so many of us choose to love objects or things that we feel always love us back. Or do they? For instance that pair of pants you wish would fit the way they use too. That painting that you love so much and was your first real purchase of art , remember how it use to validate your first not great apartment brought any wall or room to life? Now it won’t sparkle, shine or inspire. This painting is not quite unlike that pair of shoes that you used to be able to wear from day well into the night. Now they somehow seem to pinch just bit. They often leave you wondering are my feet still growing? Perhaps these items are now down with love and just aren’t loving you back. For love is an ability at times, being open to receiving it as well as giving it. I remember reading a quote “don’t want something so bad that your blinded by truth” I believe that it goes for love as well. With that quote I have found another basis that is common for the people or things that I love. That is I love what loves me back. Now it doesn’t have to love as purely or deeply or as much. For what’s a little or a lot? Who’s to say? Some people need a cup others need a gallon. I do know that I have to feel loved to love. With that being said It’s sad when you don’t feel love but you cant stop giving it?

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