Life is a rollercoaster right now, and I hate fast Rides!

Just 2 weeks ago I was suppouse to get a placement on Britneys album, Fucking politics. Just last week I was eating Pascodas in the Village now a meal a day is a 3$ sandwhich at the Bodega…fucking Rent. Just last week I was in the studio everyday working god knows on how many projects, and now no ones budget is moving, fucking final quarter. Just last week no one was using auto tune and singing, Fucking T pain. But I could live with all that. However just last week Veredrey came over showed me her Portfolios of Swimsuit designs she was getting ready to make. She brought over food from her fav trinidad restaraunt in queens..see she was trini, and beautiful at that and so caring. We spoke for hours about her ambitions, personal drama, amongst other things and her goals in the next year. she had broken down everything month by month on paper of what she wanted to acomplish. See, the last time I saw I told her I did the same a few years ago and now she had done it, but with better hand writting and neat lines and alot more detailed. It was overwhelming to see how observant she always was.. She always use to ask me, “why do you hang with me, when ur 22 and have ur career set for and I’m still 18 tryna figure it out?” I would always forget age, but there was something about her that inspired me. You should see it! she had these eyes that drew you in but kept you wondering. That day on my way back to the city we rode the train together, She was telliing me about how much she looked up to me and her personal feelings towards me, I refused to really entertain that..she was young and I wasn’t in any position for that. But, none the less I had lots of love for the girl. We spoke about it, she gave me this face that till this day I still picture over and over.. I told her to call me when she got home, and left the train. That was the last time I saw her. Just a week ago I was getting texts from her telling me how she was in the hospital because of breathing problems she was having. I was busy that week and I wanted to check up on her but didn’t find the time. I would call her phone again and again friday, and her phone was dissconected, “word??” That night I get a text from Saint…..smh. She passed away Wednesday, from heart complications. Why though??!?! Why Her?!? Why Now?!?! She was so young, and smart!! She could of litterally changed the world!!! I was going to get her a intership this week! We were suppose to grab lunch on friday!!

I found out when I was upstate at a session. On my way back in that 2 hour ride in that cold car I was listening to Coldplay and tears took over my beauty marks, pain took over my Veins, goosebumps took over my skin, sweat took over my fingertips. Her face took over the moon… I can’t explain it, I’ve lost a lot in life but this one was a lil’ diffrent. Sometimes I still catch myself trying to text her and realize there’s no one on the other side. Do you know how that feels?!! I never got to say bye, and really tell her how special she is, how she was bigger then what she thought she was. How I looked up to her. That next day I called my mom who I didn’t talk to in weeks and just cried for like 5 mins and let her I know I loved her no matter what. I wanna take the time and tell everyone I know, I maybe act like a asshole, cuz that’s the cool thing to be now.. but like seriouslly.. If you are close to me then I appreciate you and am here not matter what. Saint, steve, Mick Kwa, Shyvonne, nak.. U already know you guys are my family I fuckin love yall, and would give my life for yours.. dead ass. From here on out, my outlook is a bit diffrent. I spent the last 3 days in therapy… same sweat pants and hoody, same room, same fucked up sliding door, cold wood floors, same person next door knocking on my wall cuz my music is too loud. Excuse me if I haven’t picked up the phone or anything, I’ve just dealing with things the best way I deal with all emotions, thru creating art. See some of yall call these beats!! Some of yall may think I put a kick and a snare together and some cool lil chords over it!! Nah homey!! This shit is art to me!! Theses sounds are colors, those words are figures. These Songs are Paintings!! Not shit like Rocking N Rolling and Supras, but my real shit. My precize shit! I’ve litterally locked myself in my room and made about 7 of the best tracks I’ve ever made. 3 that I gave to Mickey, he’ll tell u. I’m on a whole new level now. I guess Verdrey is still talking to me, helping me..Verdery, baby, I can’t wait to finish that convo we started on the train when I see you again. Just last week I thought that beat was enough, Just last week I was uninspired, Just last week I forgot what it means to breathe, hear, see and live. Now the next song isn’t enough! Now my life means more then it ever has….Verdery.




  1. 1 Nas November 26, 2008 at 8:22 pm

    Hey baby,
    close your eyes and feel my arms wrapped tightly around you. Now breathe with me.Open your eyes and look into mine, dont look away! She knows anyone and everyone we love does!
    Now let me go and stop trying to get fresh! Geesh!

  2. 2 Nas November 26, 2008 at 8:27 pm

    Close your eyes. Seriously close them. Feel my arms wrapped tightly around you. Now breathe with me. Open your eyes and look into mine. Dont look away? Dont blink? She knows everyone we love and losst does. Now let me go and sto trying to get fresh!Geesh!

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